Some “Voorhees for President” videos and images have been making the rounds on the internet lately and they got me thinking: if Jason won, who’d he call up to fill his staff and cabinet?
President Voorhees
“Teen pregnancy down 400%? Well, that’s one campaign promise kept.”
Chief of Staff
“Son, get me some of them Palin glasses. I like those.”
Pam’s head
She’d have served as his campaign manager up to the election and would remain nearby after the win. A boy needs his mother.
Communications Director
“The White House has a boiler room, right?”
Freddy Krueger
He’ll make sure the president’s message always gets across – whether the American people are awake to hear it or not.
Secretary of State
“Okay, Atambayev is president or Kyrgyzstan, Nazarbayev is president of Kazakhstan. Atambayev, Nazarbayev. Atam, Nazar. Ugh, I’m so screwed.”
Leslie Vernon
He’s charming, comfortable on camera, and well read. He’d put a great face and mask on international relations.
Secretary of Defense
“Uh, sir, this book just ate the nuclear launch codes . . .”
The Necronomicon
Though not technically a Slasher, the book did make an appearance in Jason Goes to Hell. It would eliminate the need for the Joint Chiefs given that, with a few words (uttered by someone on behalf of the President, of course) an army of demons can be risen at a moment’s notice.
Secretary of Agriculture and Head of the FDA
“Welcome to our first annual Vegans and Vegetarians Convention!”
Leatherface
During the campaign, he’d have served as Jason’s running mate, to shore up the southern vote. But, with the election over, Leatherface and his family will ensure the American people are well-fed.
Secretary of Education
“It’s all about the ABCs: Axes, Butcher knives, and Cleavers.”
Chucky
Kids trust him and he’ll keep teachers’ unions in line and keep prayer out of schools – except voodoo.
Secretary of the Interior and Head of the EPA
“My can haz corn?”
Victor Crowley
Just drop him into whatever wetlands you want protected.
Attorney General
“Here’s your ‘due process’ right here, mudder fugger!”
Michael Myers
Screw blind, justice is mute and might as well be deaf.
Secretary of Treasury and Commerce
“The NYSE? What the f–? I dunno, I just sell my tapes and hang out with my Chromies. That’s what I call ’em. Chromies. What of it?”
Chromeskull
Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2 proved that the man behind the mirror facade has some serious cash and obviously knows how to make it work for him. No doubt he could do the same for the nation.
Secretaries of Homeland Security
“Same sex marriage? Hey, ‘slong as we’s related, it’s all the ‘same’ to me!”
Three Finger, One Eye, and Sawtooth
Pair ’em each up with a sister of theirs and set ’em loose to multiply like rabbits and roam like wolves.
Now that would be American exceptionalism.
Wanna shuffle the Cabinet, add to the list, wage a coup? That’s what the comments section is for; go to it . . .
