If Slashers Ran America

If Slashers Ran America

Some “Voorhees for President” videos and images have been making the rounds on the internet lately and they got me thinking: if Jason won, who’d he call up to fill his staff and cabinet?


President Voorhees

If Slashers Ran America

“Teen pregnancy down 400%? Well, that’s one campaign promise kept.”


Chief of Staff

If Slashers Ran America

“Son, get me some of them Palin glasses. I like those.”

Pam’s head

She’d have served as his campaign manager up to the election and would remain nearby after the win. A boy needs his mother.


Communications Director

If Slashers Ran America

“The White House has a boiler room, right?”

Freddy Krueger

He’ll make sure the president’s message always gets across – whether the American people are awake to hear it or not.


Secretary of State

If Slashers Ran America

“Okay, Atambayev is president or Kyrgyzstan, Nazarbayev is president of Kazakhstan. Atambayev, Nazarbayev. Atam, Nazar. Ugh, I’m so screwed.”

Leslie Vernon

He’s charming, comfortable on camera, and well read. He’d put a great face and mask on international relations.


Secretary of Defense

If Slashers Ran America

“Uh, sir, this book just ate the nuclear launch codes . . .”

The Necronomicon

Though not technically a Slasher, the book did make an appearance in Jason Goes to Hell. It would eliminate the need for the Joint Chiefs given that, with a few words (uttered by someone on behalf of the President, of course) an army of demons can be risen at a moment’s notice.


Secretary of Agriculture and Head of the FDA

If Slashers Ran America

“Welcome to our first annual Vegans and Vegetarians Convention!”


During the campaign, he’d have served as Jason’s running mate, to shore up the southern vote. But, with the election over, Leatherface and his family will ensure the American people are well-fed.


Secretary of Education

If Slashers Ran America

“It’s all about the ABCs: Axes, Butcher knives, and Cleavers.”


Kids trust him and he’ll keep teachers’ unions in line and keep prayer out of schools – except voodoo.


Secretary of the Interior and Head of the EPA

If Slashers Ran America

“My can haz corn?”

Victor Crowley

Just drop him into whatever wetlands you want protected.


Attorney General

If Slashers Ran America

“Here’s your ‘due process’ right here, mudder fugger!”

Michael Myers

Screw blind, justice is mute and might as well be deaf.


Secretary of Treasury and Commerce

If Slashers Ran America

“The NYSE? What the f–? I dunno, I just sell my tapes and hang out with my Chromies. That’s what I call ’em. Chromies. What of it?”


Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2 proved that the man behind the mirror facade has some serious cash and obviously knows how to make it work for him. No doubt he could do the same for the nation.


Secretaries of Homeland Security

If Slashers Ran America

“Same sex marriage? Hey, ‘slong as we’s related, it’s all the ‘same’ to me!”

Three Finger, One Eye, and Sawtooth

Pair ’em each up with a sister of theirs and set ’em loose to multiply like rabbits and roam like wolves.


Now that would be American exceptionalism.

Wanna shuffle the Cabinet, add to the list, wage a coup? That’s what the comments section is for; go to it . . .