Some films just beg for a blade-wielding maniac intent on slitting throats and chopping limbs. In some cases the title screams Slasher, but is wasted on some coming-of-age pap or lame romance. At other times, the plot seems tailor-made for a few creative kills.
We’ve found a few of these very movies and, while keeping the title intact, we’ve reworked them so as to include the Slasher and slashings they so richly deserve.
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
Now, granted, the title would lend itself more readily to a zombie film (or porn), but the plot of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape easily accommodates a Slasher and a few good slashings.
In the Original:
Johnny Depp plays Gilbert, a young man saddled with keeping his family together, a task made all the harder by his mentally-disabled brother Arnie (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) and his depressive, gargantuanly obese mother. Eventually, a girl named Becky shows up, the mother dies, the family burn the house down and they all live happily ever after or something. As with all the movies on this list, the film suffers from a distinct lack of slashings.
In Our Version:
Now, we’re off to a good start with the casting, given that Depp got his start in A Nightmare on Elm Street and DiCaprio’s first movie was Critters 3; these guys both have horror movie experience. Also, mentally-challenged characters are basically Slasher film elite, so Arnie will fit right in.
In fact, in our version of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Arnie plays the key role of the Slasher. He hunts down and kills townspeople and visitors alike, bringing the corpses home to feed them to his orca-like mother.
Gilbert knows that something’s been going on—though maybe not exactly what—but also knows that, without him, Arnie would almost certainly be institutionalized and his mother would starve. But when Becky shows up and becomes Arnie’s next target, Gilbert has to make a decision: his family or the girl.
A gender reversal, with Gilbert as Gilda and Becky as Bill (what the hell’s the male version of Becky?), would give us a more traditional Final Girl.
Slasher movies are all about the holidays and, with a few well-placed slashings, the plot to Bad Santa could be a nasty, creepy, violent affair.
In the original:
Willy and Markus are robbers who specialize in raiding department stores in which they work as a Santa and Elf team. Willy, a raging alcoholic, comes across a fat kid who—thinking Willy is the real Santa—allows him to live with him and his cloud-brained grandmother. Along the way, Willy learns the true meaning of Christmas and the kid learns to kick people who mess with him in the ‘nads. Also, Lauren Graham looks great.
In Our Version:
This would be a nasty, foul-mouthed blend of Silent Night, Deadly Night and Satan’s Little Helper, with a touch of Bereavement thrown in. Willy is a department store Santa by day and a killer by night, choosing his victims by scanning the line-up leading to his throne for young mothers. Mistaking one particularly attractive woman for some fat kid’s mom, he follows the fat kid home, only to find out that he lives alone with his grandma. After killing grandma, Willy realizes that a lifetime of mental illness has taken its toll and that it’s time to pass on the butcher knife. He makes the dead-eyed kid his apprentice and, together, they learn the true spirit of killing.
Also, Lauren Graham looks great.
The original is so creepy, a few slashings might actually make it less scary.
In the original:
Jonathan, the only straight male window dresser in the history of window dressing, falls in love with a mannequin. Giving hundreds of lonely Japanese men hope, Emmy, the inanimate object of Jonathan’s affection, comes to life, makes him a huge professional success, and marries him before presumably producing a series of heart-breakingly stillborn Cabbage Patch Kids.
In our version:
Jonathan, a creeper who lives in the walls of a department store and moons over the love of his life, a mannequin he has named Emmy, dresses and poses her in ways he believes best suit her. When others begin dressing her differently, moving her around, and even threatening to take her apart, Jonathan begins stalking and slashing store employees and customers alike. He does so wearing a mannequin face as a mask and poses his victims in shop displays, letting them know how it feels to be objectified as Emmy has been.
Of course, the whole tale would be told from the perspective of a plucky window dresser, our Final Girl, who is eventually locked in the department store and faces off against Jonathan, finally beating him to death with Emmy’s right arm.
Got any other movies that should’ve been Slashers? Let us know.